Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Impossibilities In The World

September 18, 2012

Occasionally I find humorous articles that I like to pass along and this is one of these that I think you will enjoy.

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My Most Memorable Day In The Office-The Day My Mother Became A Saint

September 18, 2011

It was 1976 and I had just started my solo practice. I employed only a receptionist and a nurse. My nurse was absent because of an illness and I asked my middle-aged mother to come and serve as my chaperone for the afternoon.

The first patient was a young lady and I asked her to give a urine specimen and place it in the turnstile in the restroom. My mother, wearing a lab coat, that gave her a medical look, escorted the lady to the exam room. I walked by the restroom and saw the specimen container on the back of the toilet and as I went to take a phone call, I asked my mother to move the specimen to the lab and I would run it through the centrifuge and prepare the specimen to examine under the microscope. My mother said, “Neil, I changed your diaper and I allowed you to pee on me when you were an infant, but I will not touch someone else’s urine specimen. Remember Neil, you chose this specialty, not me!” Okay, I laughed and moved the specimen container myself.

I then met with the patient, took her history, and was ready to perform the physical exam. I gave the patient a paper gown and I stepped out of the room and told her that I would get the “nurse” and return to the room for the exam. The patient was placed in the stirrups on the exam table as the “nurse” stayed by her side and held her hand. I was at the end of the table between the patient’s leg and I inserted the speculum. The patient gave a small grunt of discomfort as I told her that the hardest part of the exam was nearly over. Just a few seconds later, the patient said, “Is she okay?” I remained between the patients leg with the gown obscuring my peripheral vision and asked, “Who are you talking about?” The patient said, “Your nurse. She’s on the floor!” I peeked around the patient’s leg to find that my mother had fainted and was lying on the floor. I removed the speculum and helped my mother to her feet and escorted her out of the room. My mother was very embarrassed and was adjusting her hair and went to the front desk. I reassured the patient that the “nurse” was okay and didn’t provide any further explanation.

I had a discussion with the patient about her treatment and walked her to the desk where my mother had prepared the bill and was ready to collect her payment!

I thought that I’d never see that patient again but interestingly enough she sent two of her friends who all asked where was the “nurse who fainted”? I know I will never forget that day that my Jewish mother, Sara Baum, became a Jewish Saint!

Are You As Smart As A Stanford Student?

August 20, 2011

Usually I blog on medical topics but I would like to deviate to a riddle and humor that will test your creativity and your insight. Good luck!

Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out. How about you?

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters…

2. Preceded God

3. Greater than God

4. More Evil than the devil

5. All poor people have …

6. Wealthy people need …

7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?

Try hard before looking at the answers

Did you get it yet?

The Answer is:

NOTHING.

NOTHING has 7 letters.

NOTHING preceded God.

NOTHING is greater than God.

NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.

All poor people have NOTHING.

Wealthy people need NOTHING.

If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

Okay, let me know how you did and I will share with you how I and my children did….one a Stanford graduate.

TSA Pat Down…With a “Happy Ending”!

December 1, 2010

A 47 year old gay man was arrested at San Francisco International Airport after ejaculating while being patted down by a male TSA agent.  Percy Cummings, an interior designer from San Francisco, is being held without bail after the alleged incident, charged with sexually assaulting a Federal agent.

According to Cummings’ partner, Sergio Armani, Cummings has “multiple piercings on his manhood” which were detected during a full body scan.  As a result, Cummings was pulled aside for a pat-down.  Armani stated that the unidentified TSA agent spent “an inordinate amount of time groping” Cummings, who had apparently become sexually aroused.  Cummings, who has a history of sexual dysfunction, ejaculated while the TSA agent’s hand was feeling the piercings.  The TSA agent, according to several witnesses, promptly called for back up.  Cummings was thrown to the ground and handcuffed.

A TSA spokesperson declined to comment on this specifc case, but said that anyone ejaculating during a pat-down would be subject to arrest.

When You Thought You Heard It All: Man Caught Having Sex With a Cow Is Forced to Marry the Bovine

June 26, 2010

A new definition of “social” justice

A young Balinese (for those not in the know, this means from the island of Bali!…I had to look it up!) man who was caught stark naked in a compromising position with an attractive (….adjective added by me) cow. The young man, Ngurah Alit, 18, claimed the cow was a reincarnation of an attractive young woman, and had wooed him with flattering compliments (….such as mooooooooooo!)  However, he was appalled when the village chief (I believe the local imam) insisted that he’d have to marry the beast to cleanse the village of the “defilement”. Alit’s mother screamed hysterically throughout the ceremony, (I believe she was worried about what her grandchild would look like), which ended with the bride being drowned in the sea, while Alit himself fainted.  I heard that Alit promised to be faithful to his bride until death do they part!  I have a feeling that poor Alit expressed his sorrow that he wasn’t born a Jew or a Christian as stoning may not have been so embarrassing.

Folks, I’m not making it up.  I just report what I read.  If I hear from Alit, I will let you all know what I find out.

When You Thought You Have Heard It All: Sex While Sleeping

June 18, 2010

We have all heard of inability to get to sleep or insomnia.  But how many have heard of a new disorder, sexsomia, which is sex while asleep!  This is “problem” when those afflicted have sexual activity with a bed partner while asleep.  Wouldn’t you know it is much more common in men than in women and rarely do men complain of the disorder.  To my knowledge there has been no effective treatment for this condition.  I think they will lynch the doctor who tries to cure the problem!